Motherhood Changes Friendships

As much as we don’t want it to, motherhood changes friendships – and usually not for the better.  Once women have children, it’s common for friendships to become distant or to even end.  This is the situation Cassandra, the main character in The Rock Star’s Wife series, finds herself in with her friend Tiffany.  The pair have known each other since sixth grade and have been slowly drifting apart since high school graduation, and generally over one topic, motherhood.

Tiffany is adamant that women were not put on Earth solely for reproduction and while Cassie agrees, she also believes it is up to each individual woman to decide.  “I’ve come to a new understanding of prochoice,” Cassie says in Rock Star Mom.  “Choice means choice.  Whether it means the legal right to an abortion or whether it means deciding to become a baby machine.”

Tiffany’s attitude also alienates Jennifer who plans children with Phil.  “My fiancée and I will decide for ourselves whether we want a family or not,” Phil says to Tiffany in Christmas Surprise.  “After careful consideration, which did not include you, we decided we both want to be parents.  And you know who will feed those children?  Not you, that’s who.”

Most friendships, however, drift apart for more complicated reasons.

Childbirth Equals Loneliness

Study after study has learned that having young children brings parents loneliness.

A total of 68 percent of parents feel cut off after the birth of a child from friends, family and colleagues, according to a survey by Action for Children.

More than half, 54 percent, of women felt friendless after giving birth, according to UK video parenting site ChannelMum.com.

Loneliness is most common with mothers under the age of 30 with 82 percent saying they feel lonely some of the time.

Finally, researchers in the Netherlands discovered that women tend to regain contact with friends after their children turn 5, while men permanently remain distant from their friends even when their children become adults.  Men, the researchers point out, tend to have fewer close friendships overall than women.

Why Do Friendships Change?

There numerous reasons friendships change after the birth of a baby, according to experts speaking to Romper.  They are:

• Your friend is giving you space to adapt to your new life. However, if this is the intention, your friend should voice it.
• Your lives are simply too different.
• Your friend is struggling with infertility, or doesn’t want children.

Friendships also can change because new parents are sleep deprived, many lack childcare or may have financial concerns.

How to Deal With Change

BabySparks gives some tips on how to deal with friendships changing or ending after the birth of a child.

New parents need to realize that it isn’t a sin to take some time for themselves.  It’s perfectly fine to call a friend and check in, and it’s also acceptable to admit whatever struggles you’re experiencing.

New parents must realize their social lives will change, but they also must realize that spending time with other adults is important.

New parents need to accept that they may need to make new friends.  These new friends will be fellow parents who understand the challenges of parenting.

Change is just that.  Change.  It is neither good nor bad.  It’s simply a new chapter in life.

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Motherhood changes friendships.  Did it for you?  Leave a comment below.  Comments close after 90 days.

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Here’s the 4-1-1

This blog is a companion piece to The Rock Star’s Wife, a series about sex, family, and rock & roll.  The series has elements of chick lit, romance and erotica and is best compared to The Vagina Monologues for its frank talk of sex and its consequences.  The series follows Cassandra from her teenage years into her 40s as she navigates relationships (both romantic and platonic) — all with music playing a prominent roll.

Book four, Rock Star Mom, debuts August 2024:  She fell in love with a rock star.  Now comes the hard part.

Cassandra needs your help getting her story out.  Join the street team to help.